Day 1: Something I Hate About Myself

Hmmm . . . originally I liked this idea of putting the bitter before the sweet, getting the negative out of the way first to make room for the positive.  Now, I’m not so sure.  “Hate” is a strong word to use about oneself, but I will choose to apply it to a characteristic, not to my identity.  I don’t hate myself, not in any part or manner.  There is at least one characteristic that I display, however, that I absolutely despise.

If I have an insecurity or anxiety about some part of my life over which I do not have control, I will do what I can to insert myself and exercise control, instead of sitting back and letting things take their course.  This works to my detriment approximately 100 percent of the time.  Sometimes my assertion of control is active — I will confront someone about a perceived issue in order accelerate a response, or I will end a romantic relationship rather than deal with my uncertainty about the other person’s feelings.  Often, however, the control is asserted passively.  For example, if I am worried that I might forget to pay a bill at the end of a pay period, I might double-pay it or overpay it early, leaving myself little money for the rest of the month for such luxuries as groceries and gas for my car.

Obviously, this is all fear-driven, and obviously, we all have fears.  The characteristic about myself that I hate is, at age 37, my continued inability to handle the fear of the unknown in my life in a manner that is loving and supportive and true to myself.  I hate that, for me, pain is more palatable than uncertainty.

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