I need to forgive every man I have ever dated for ultimately rejecting me and choosing to be with someone else.
Most of these men were not right for me, I can see that now (and in some cases saw it then). It didn’t matter. They still didn’t want me. Now look, I don’t need a man to feel validated. Probably 90% of my adult life has been single and uncoupled. I am fine, whole and complete, on my own. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to be actively unwanted.
It’s not about self-esteem. I am a damn good catch. I am smart, sometimes funny, not hideous to look at. I am both independent and nurturing at the same time. I am very self-aware, but also empathetic. I have many gifts to offer.
Which is why I don’t understand why no one has wanted them, and, by correlation, me. And because I don’t understand, I get angry and frustrated. And because I am frustrated, I end up taking that frustration out on the men themselves. Years go by, and I will think that I am over it, and yet . . .
Since it has happened so many times, every time, I expect it to happen again. So, with each new man I meet (which is not very often), I am just waiting for the rejection to come. I punish new suitors for the sins of the old. Old suitors I didn’t really want, anyway, and certainly wouldn’t now.
I would like to get rid of this baggage, please. I would like to stop waiting for that moment of rejection. I would like to stop building walls and avoiding getting too close. I would like to have a future instead of being stuck with this artificial pain of the past. I would like to learn how to forgive when I wasn’t even wronged.