Day 4: Something I Have to Forgive Someone For

I need to forgive every man I have ever dated for ultimately rejecting me and choosing to be with someone else.

Most of these men were not right for me, I can see that now (and in some cases saw it then).  It didn’t matter.  They still didn’t want me.  Now look, I don’t need a man to feel validated.  Probably 90% of my adult life has been single and uncoupled.  I am fine, whole and complete, on my own.  That doesn’t mean it’s easy to be actively unwanted.

It’s not about self-esteem.  I am a damn good catch.  I am smart, sometimes funny, not hideous to look at.  I am both independent and nurturing at the same time.  I am very self-aware, but also empathetic.  I have many gifts to offer.

Which is why I don’t understand why no one has wanted them, and, by correlation, me.  And because I don’t understand, I get angry and frustrated.  And because I am frustrated, I end up taking that frustration out on the men themselves.  Years go by, and I will think that I am over it, and yet . . .

Since it has happened so many times, every time, I expect it to happen again.  So, with each new man I meet (which is not very often), I am just waiting for the rejection to come.  I punish new suitors for the sins of the old.  Old suitors I didn’t really want, anyway, and certainly wouldn’t now.

I would like to get rid of this baggage, please.  I would like to stop waiting for that moment of rejection.  I would like to stop building walls and avoiding getting too close.  I would like to have a future instead of being stuck with this artificial pain of the past.  I would like to learn how to forgive when I wasn’t even wronged.

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